Today is December 1st, 2024 and this morning, I woke up alone.
After a night plagued by nightmares – the worst of my daytime thoughts illustrated by my subconscious – this made me perceptibly angry. The aching hole in my chest made me want to scream. Tear things apart. Yell at someone.
I crawled out of bed eventually, the sky still pitch-black outside of my window, and threw on heavy clothing to take my dog outside. My head was full of thoughts, so full they ought to have been visible through my ears. Yet, everything around me was quiet.
I’ll go to the gym after, I thought, as my dog and I walked down the hallway.
Why are my steps always so loud? I softened my steps instantly, hoping I didn’t wake anyone up as I passed door by door.
You have to look up; be aware of your surroundings. My head snaps up, my eyes trying to blink out the blurriness. Permanent blurriness since I forgot my glasses.
The hole in my chest expanded painfully again and I clenched my fists. I’ll go to the gym after this to work some of this anger out of my body.
But, I don’t want to.
I should though – everyone says that even when you don’t want to, you should.
But, I’ve worked out every day for the last week except for Thanksgiving – I deserve a break.
Then, what am I supposed to do with this feeling in my chest?
I made a noise for my dog and we walked deeper into the early morning crispness, the cold biting at my ears. I mentally patted myself on the back as I pulled up the hood to my winter coat. It is longer than most coats, almost to my ankles, but it keeps me warm in the coldest weather Ohio has thrown at us thus far.
I am grateful I bought this coat.
The ache in my chest was relentless. My heart beat was quickening due to the walk and there was that ache, expanding and contracting, quickening with it like a wicked echo.
Why are you so angry?
Every book I’ve read this year has talked about anger, specifically. It isn’t a wonder why – people have a lot to be angry about and the chances to healthily express that anger, especially for women, are diminished. While women and men react or express their anger similarly, the way onlookers process and respond to their emotions are vastly different. Nevertheless, across all of humankind, anger is a defense emotion and it usually steps up to the plate when you’ve been wronged and there’s an expectation for reconciliation. Anger also usually has another, harder to discern, emotion hiding behind it.
I’m disappointed. I’m alone and don’t want to be.
Last night, I curled into a ball in my bed and listened to an audiobook in my dark bedroom.
I was craving advice. I was craving comfort. I was craving for something.
As the words of Chapter 13 titled “Here’s When You Need To Be Alone” drifted out of my speaker, each point was another checkmark on my list of sad truths. Usually, I frown upon audiobooks over hardcover books but my local library only had This Is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe in audiobook format. The first time I played it, I was genuinely surprised and comforted by her words. Last night was no different. This morning after listening to Chapter 13, even though I couldn’t repeat each point verbatim, I knew that I needed to be alone. It was what was best for me.
However, the part of the emotional healing journey that most of the books I’ve read miss is the part where you learn how to tell anger to stand down and allow that secondary emotion to process. I could feel the ache thrumming from my chest, down my arms, and to my fingers – I wanted to scream and destroy at how unfair it felt. This didn’t feel like disappointment or loneliness. This felt like rage – persistent and destructive.
The following is a metaphor I built to understand my emotions better.
Imagine this with me. Imagine your anger is a small breed dog. I say small because small dogs are notorious for being reactive and yappy – I know this from experience.
Now, place your small dog at the front window of your home that allows him or her to see every person that comes in or out. Every person that walks by. Every person that drops something off. Every truck that bumps by.
Now, if you live in a city with tons of foot traffic and vehicle traffic, your dog may bark a lot when you first move in.
What do you do?
You could let the dog keep barking, though it may disturb and/or repel the neighbors. But, that poor pizza man was simply doing as you’d asked when your dog unexpectedly snapped at him.
Maybe the barking will annoy you so badly that you may punish the dog for it and tell it to stop. But, your dog was simply doing its job, as well.
Another option is to train your dog. You may train them to recognize the different severities of danger. They may train you to recognize their different barks and whines. Eventually, a symbiotic relationship could be born. You would know what your dog is telling you and when.
I know my anger is untrained.
Many people can relate to that.
Maybe you kept your anger locked up for a long time to keep yourself safe and now it’s running rampant.
Maybe it has always been wild and loose; you two found each other on the streets looking for protection.
Maybe you believe you don’t have any anger and you allow yourself to feel sadness instead.
(Recently, I learned the difference between sadness and anger. While anger is your defender, believing that all things can be made right; sadness believes that things cannot be made right and urges you to accept the difficult.)
This morning, my anger was trying to tell me something but it took me about halfway through my walk to understand it. It hit me in the middle of my internal dialogue.
I didn’t think I’d be alone. I did everything right.
Are you shocked?
No.
So. You knew better.
Yes. I expected this outcome. I just hoped for a different one.
So, you’re angry with yourself?
Suddenly, the ache in my chest dulled and my mind’s eye gained clarity. The whole morning, I reasoned with myself about why something should or shouldn’t have happened, going over the events over and over like a detective working a cold case.
All while, it was just my broken heart.
All while, the ache and the anger and the feeling of betrayal was actually stemming from myself. Because all while hope is a great drug, once it fades, reality falls into a pattern.
I was angry and behind that anger was disappointment. My dog was barking at that negative emotion because it wanted me to recognize its presence in our home – my body.
I had, without meaning to, trained myself to defend myself against disappointment – likely because disappointment and fear are more than distant relatives. And as with many truths, my damning truth is that if I continue to train my anger to be on guard against disappointment, my possibilities of growth are limited.
My disappointment also overshadows my gratitude and makes my perception of the world darker than necessary. I love waking up before everyone else to let my dog out. No leash and no people makes for a peaceful walk. I also usually get to see the sun rise as we settle back in.
Each morning I get that opportunity to welcome the new day with the birds in the trees. I know better than to be a cricket chirping for the night before.
Sometimes, we find ourselves alone and it’s harsher than we expected. I grew up in a household consisting of three females. It was rare to be alone and even when you were, there was likely an event before or after your isolation that reminded you of the reason why you wanted to be alone in the first place.
One room away and I could find a hug from my mom.
One staircase away and I’d find a new show to watch that my sister was already on season 3 of. She’s genuinely the only reason I understand the .5% of pop culture references that I do.
But, the point is, in a society where segregation is an issue but the future is the pursuit, it can be extremely hard to be alone. Especially during the holiday season.
To help with the nostalgia, I purchased classic items that my mom used to have around the holidays to liven up our the spirits and set the mood for the rest of the year. My personal favorite are the scented pinecones. Every year I smell them and allow myself to get drawn to the aisle they’re staged in.
Included with this article, you will find my top 5 Amazon finds that might add some holiday cheer to your environment, even if you’re all by yourself. Because it’s okay to be alone. You’re your longest companion yet:
- Flowers (Poinsettias)
Poinsettias are the classic holiday flowers. Their bright red leaves brighten any room they’re in and they’re generally low maintenance flowers if you get the living plant from a local plant nursery or store. However, if you are not a fan of living plants or just admittedly don’t have a green thumb, there is a beautiful set of plastic flowers on Amazon.
Check them out here.
2. Fragrance (Pine Cones & Candles)
Let’s be honest: not every scent is made the same. Scientifically, our noses perceive smells differently by person so what may smell good to you, may not smell as nice to someone else. Personally, Hawaiian Breeze is my no-no smell. An added benefit of being solo is you can make your environment smell the way you want it to without worrying about bothering someone else.
If you need a suggestion for a scent, Apple Cinnamon candles, plug-ins, and sprays are great for a fall/winter smell. Here’s a link to one of the candles on Amazon that smells fantastic: https://amzn.to/4171kHD.
3. Lights (Christmas Lights)
I know that when people think of light decor around this year, they think of the classic red, green, blue and white lights adorning Christmas trees and house fronts. And that’s definitely an option!
But, if your holiday spirit is low or if you don’t celebrate some of the traditional American holidays, there are still ways to liven up your space for the season. Winter is the time that nature sleeps. I found beautiful lights on Amazon snowflake lights featured above.
4. Porcelain Decor (Mugs or Jars)
My sister absolutely loves the Grinch so it only seemed fitting to add Grinch mugs for this point.
Something you like is in the form of porcelain. Buy it.
I advocate for porcelain because they fragility of the item adds to how special we deem it. Personally, I bought an owl cookie jar for myself and it makes the little me extremely happy whenever I notice it on my island table. When I was smaller, I distantly recall seeing cookie jars on the counters of countless adults but they were almost always empty! So, to fulfill a long-forgotten yet recently rediscovered yearning, I bought a cookie jar and I keep it full of fresh cookies.
5. Watch or Read (Amazon Prime)
I’ve always loved books. Ever since I was a little girl, my mom would find me in a dimly lit corner reading while the rest of the family sat in the living room watching TV. I don’t know what triggered it but at a young age, I understood that the television could suck you in and waste precious time on junk.
That was a bit unfair of me and I could blame Matilda the movie partially but I won’t. Instead, I’ll say this: entertainment is there to help you unwind and decompress. If current shows aren’t your jam, there are tons of platforms that feature niche movies for audiences.
I know in the meantime of discovering myself, I’ll be watching Coraline on Prime. And hoping someone will eventually understand me in public when I cry out, “Wy-born!”
6. Snuggle Item (Blanket or Stuffed Animal)
I am 21 years old and I love stuffed animals and anything soft. Before the house fire my family experienced in 2020, I had a collection of my childhood favorites in life-sized stuffed animal form including Dora, Strawberry Shortcake, and Olaf. Since then, I’ve started collecting a tiny army of Squishmallows.
Starting with a warm blanket that stays warm is great and I found just the perfect holiday season blanket warmer here. If blankets and teddy bears aren’t your thing, that’s okay. The goal here is to find something you can feel safe and comfortable with when no other human is nearby. Go explore.
As I complete this blog post, the sky is a beautiful ombre blue. My dog is resting peacefully on a warm blanket. I have hot chocolate downstairs waiting to be made. And I feel at peace after I decided to forgive myself for being disappointed.
Sometimes you have to wait for the light to push the darkness out. And when it does? You’ll see that there really are Bright Skies Ahead.
I wish you gratitude, safety, and love.
- Ren
Do you have tips and tricks to keep your spirits high during the holiday season? If so, please share with us below!
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